Monday, January 31, 2005

so many things i want to write about...

so i'll just try to give a few sentences about each and promise to write more soon. i know you all think that i'm a liar. i guess i am cuz i keep saying i'll write more often. i think i might just start copying from my journal...

January 20th, DC, The Inauguration protests:
It was so strange, intense. okay, i cant write about this in just a few sentences, more later.

Sledding!!! i went sledding the other night with my roommates and it was SO much fun. Its sad that we let ourselves get far from the fun we had as children and letting ourselves do that as often as we need to. Sometimes i wonder what happened to me, i feel like i used to have more fun than i do now, its true, i dont prioritize it enough. I want to.

had a conversation with a good new friend lately. we talked about cynicism vs. hope. I want to be hopeful. I dont want to be so cynical. and we talked about love. how people shy away from that word and how it fuels some of us in the (activist) work we do and how important it is as fuel, as opposed to the fuel of hate that we feel some people have. Like that some people do this kind of work out of only hate, anger, rational reasoning, etc. and how its different for us and stuff...

"God has given you a spirit with wings on which to soar into the spacious firmament of Love and Freedom. Is it not pitiful then that you cut your wings with your own hands and suffer your soul to crawl like an insect upon the earth?" - Kahlil Gibran

This quote has been with me for a few weeks, but it really resonated with me this morning. I had a good weekend, then i had a really bad night last night. I let all of the things that i'm stressed and sad about hit me at once and i cried and then just slept. I let myself give in to the downward spiral, then i got disappointed in myself for doing so, such a bad cycle. but i woke up this morning to say, "today is a new day." Then i said, i dont want to crawl, i want to fly, i can fly.

gotta go, thats all for now. love you!

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

i mean to write more. and i will. maybe tomorrow. but right now i have some thoughts and wonders that i wanted to share with you all and tap your infinite wisdom...
my friend said there is no purpose in life.
i wonder what to say to her.
Maybe there isn’t a purpose. But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a whole shitload of great stuff to do, enjoy and love.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

damn, i just deleted all that i wrote. i was pissed but, oh well! it really is not that big of a deal and not worth getting freaked about. so this is almost what i said, i think.

back in philly yeah!!!!!!!!!

yeah, life is good! uh, okay, i think i quit, cuz i want to get out of here now, i'm too antsy to sit in this office chair right now. i'll try to remember what i said and write it in my journal and then type it up tomorrow. oh, and i'm happy cuz i got to listen to one of my nieces giggle on the phone. oh, and one of the things i said was that i'm doing a pretty good job at doing what i said i wanted to do. as in saying what i feel, stop procrastinating, letting things go, being happy, being thankful, smiling, all that jazz! yeah. anyway...more later!

"you're my favorite activist" deanna, a friend and "colleague"

marcia sent me this...
"there is a power greater than myself who loves me exactly as I am" the stress began the day you learned you were expected to please other people. parents wanted you to stay clean and be quiet. nieghbors wanted you to be respectful and helpful. teachers wanted you to be attentive and alert. friends wanted you to share and hang out. whenever you failed to do exactly what seomoen expected of you, you weren't good, or good enough. you were bad, weak or dumb. unfortunately, you began to believe it. giving into the demands, day by day, you lost a little more of yourself and your understanding of the truth. the truth is you are fine, just the way you are! perfect in your imperfection! you are divine! growing brighter and more brilliant each day, you can accept the truth of who you are. the next time you want to know who you are, what you are or if something is the right thing to do, don't ask your neighbor- ask the power within...and pay attention to the response! the divine power within knows exactly who I am.

lots of love to you, smile!!!!!!!

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

lovella, who are you today? not yesterday, not 2 years ago, not 15 years ago. who are you at this very moment? i dont know. i want to be strong. i want to be good. i want to be able to give all the love i have in my heart. i want to get enough of it back to survive, to thrive. i want to learn how to love myself. i want to be the best tita i can be. i want to hold alana's hand every day. i want to tell my brothers exactly how much i love them. i want to be seen. i want people to see my heart. not the person that i present. cuz the real me gets lost in all this doubt, confusion, logistics, compromising, biting my tongue, giving in. i am so much more than me. why cant i be that person? why cant i give and love as much as i truly want to? i want to write christmas cards to every person i love. but i didnt. i want to hug alana and brooklyn and jayde and gracie every day. i want to hold kathleen's hand every time she cries. i want to sleep in my mommys bed with her so she doesnt have to sleep on the couch because shes lonely. i want to have real conversations with my dad. i want to help shane learn to control his temper. i want to paint with carrie. i want to listen to tucker talk for hours. i want to love angelo like i really do and have him love me back like i deserve to be loved. i want to listen and comfort dave when agada leaves. i want to sit with my gramma teresa and learn our family history. i want to pay for laurice to go to law school. i want to play boggle with vervic and von. i want to write. i want to read. i want to clean up the mess the tsunamis made. i want all those lives to come back. i want all those babies to smile. i want those mommies and daddies to hug thier kids. i want to fix it all. i cant. so i guess all i can do is say what i feel.

Well, I guess its about that time again, to write another blog. Actually, its past that time. Okay, I’m changing my mind again. This is when I’m doing it and that is that and its okay. So, I am trying to not beat myself up so much. To realize that it is OKAY if I haven’t blogged in awhile. It is not the end of the world and I’m not a bad person because of it. I have been in need of an attitude adjustment and the NEW YEAR came just in time. And you (my friends) have been so positive and hopeful about this new year stuff that its contagious, and I’m glad! 2004 has been a really crazy year for me. For the entire year, I have not been in school! That is a big change compared to the last 4+ years of my life. I’ve spent 2 months in the Philippines, I’ve moved across the country away from all my family and friends. I’ve moved to Philadelphia (“the big city”)! I’ve gotten an awesome job as a paid activist. I’ve been part of some really great “activist events” (Boston Social Forum, Hip Hop Convention, RNC, NNOMY, etc.). I’ve gotten a new niece! I’ve met SO many amazing people and gotten closer to existing friends (New Yorkers). Some really fun and happy times for me. And some of the saddest that I’ve had. Being far from my friends and family, far from Angelo, more broken family drama, dealing with some old issues, heartache, lots of loneliness and wondering. But it is okay, I have survived and I will continue to do so. Now, I don’t want to be stuck in “survivor” mode. This is my life, and I have a lot of stuff to do!!! I am really starting to work on living and BEING the person that I want to be. I don’t want to be so sad, I want to remember that there is so much beauty in this world, and so much beauty and happiness that I can create MYSELF!! I know I can do this, because I WANT to do this and I must do this. I only have one life.