lovella

lovella, who are you today? not yesterday, not 2 years ago, not 15 years ago. who are you at this very moment? i dont know. i want to be strong. i want to be good. i want to be able to give all the love i have in my heart. i want to get enough of it back to survive, to thrive. i want to learn how to love myself. i want to be the best tita i can be. i want to hold alana's hand every day. i want to tell my brothers exactly how much i love them. i want to be seen. i want people to see my heart. not the person that i present. cuz the real me gets lost in all this doubt, confusion, logistics, compromising, biting my tongue, giving in. i am so much more than me. why cant i be that person? why cant i give and love as much as i truly want to? i want to write christmas cards to every person i love. but i didnt. i want to hug alana and brooklyn and jayde and gracie every day. i want to hold kathleen's hand every time she cries. i want to sleep in my mommys bed with her so she doesnt have to sleep on the couch because shes lonely. i want to have real conversations with my dad. i want to help shane learn to control his temper. i want to paint with carrie. i want to listen to tucker talk for hours. i want to love angelo like i really do and have him love me back like i deserve to be loved. i want to listen and comfort dave when agada leaves. i want to sit with my gramma teresa and learn our family history. i want to pay for laurice to go to law school. i want to play boggle with vervic and von. i want to write. i want to read. i want to clean up the mess the tsunamis made. i want all those lives to come back. i want all those babies to smile. i want those mommies and daddies to hug thier kids. i want to fix it all. i cant. so i guess all i can do is say what i feel.

posted by Lovella Rose @ 11:21 PM