Wednesday, January 25, 2006

It has been awhile since I updated a blog/journal…of course I have excuses and travel is one of my usual ones, it’s true in this case. Ahh, I’m a liar, I said I would update every week and I just saw that my last post was on January 3rd, much more than a week ago. So I’ll start with my commitment to myself. Tuesdays with me, yes like Tuesdays with Morrie, cuz I’m a Tuesday person. Or as my little brother calls it “Poohsday” and he calls me with a smile and hope that I’ll have time to chat with him, maybe we’ll add or maybe we’ll talk about how he wonders what his biological father is like. Anyway…

The past few weeks have been a rollar coaster, tons of work and hours of beauty. Much growth, frustration, confusion and contemplation. Two big work weekends, the National Youth and Student Peace Coalition planning meetings where I had wonderful friends come and stay at my Bed-Stuy apartment, sleepovers are fun! One of the Iraq Veterans Against the War (IVAW) members stayed with me for the week, we didn’t do much but it was an interesting experience. Then we went to Philly for the 3 day organizer training. Over 30 IVAW members got together, some met for the first time, some old friends, it was so much fun, really exhausting and incredibly inspiring. (This is why I’ll vow to write more often because there is all this other stuff I want to get out so I don’t want to go into more detail now about this.) It is incredibly emotional to spend so much time with veterans, to learn more about them, to discover their pain and beauty, to listen to them, to support them, to train them, to love them. More about this later…

So a couple things went down and there were some people that were concerned with my work and making uninformed and stupid assumptions and talking shit. Furthermore, none of the people were mature enough (though they had the age down) to come to me about it. I was frustrated but I didn’t get really sad about it, I just recognized that they were the ones in the wrong and I was right. Arif said that he saw how much I had grown because I would have handled it differently before, I would have gotten down on myself for it. I couldn’t agree more and I must admit, I am proud of myself. But then, I did get to a point where I was wondering…
(journal excerpt)
Toughen up Lovella Rose Calica. Who are you? Who do you want to be? What will you do? How are you gonna defeat the bullshit that will try to get in the way? Draw on your past experiences. What did you have those for? To give you strength in these low moments.
And then I listed some of the things that I gather strength from, things I love about my friends (the vets), Mother Earth and my belief in myself and love.
I realized, I love these people, and I’m the one that they text at 4am or call at 5am crying or whatever and I will not walk away from them, and I will do everything in my power to love and support them.

Now onto the logistics of my life…
I’m moving back to Philly for the next couple months to work in the IVAW office!!! I’m sorry NYers, I always leave you. I’m struggling with this. More transition, more instability, more packing, leaving friends, poetry, Filipinas, NYC, all those things, but like I said, I just cannot walk away from IVAW right now and I am needed in that closet of an office! Plus, my friends (other staff of IVAW) are my community, they understand the pain and joy of this work and I need to be with them to do this work and to survive, cuz this shit is not easy. I will write more about the pain of the vets and my attempts to learn more and understand and love better. I’ll be leaving my apartment by the first week of February I think. I need to get out of the place anyway, there is no hot water and they haven’t paid the electric bill and it’s just bullshit. Then, I’ll find my way back here in April or May. I think. One more thing for now… I want to do writing workshops with the vets and compile an anthology. Of course, I need some funds for that undertaking, so if you want to help or have any ideas on where to get some cash for it, lemme know.

I’ll be back by Tuesday. Till then, thank the sun for shining, your neighbor for smiling and yourself for loving the world. I love you!


At 11:20 AM, Blogger becca said...


so nice to talk to you about all this confusion! life seems so much better when you get to chat away in sisterhood.
have fun in philly...maybe i can pay a visit.


At 7:28 AM, Blogger jacques said...

hey lovella rose !
this is the first time i ve been visiting a blog. what have i done to get in touch with you again!
i ve been living away from my dear country for 6 months now and didn t know how to reach you with post mail. how and where the fuck are you?


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