Tuesday, November 29, 2005

sometimes i get so wrapped up in my life and my shit that it is hard to see outside it, but SO important. i am excited to go home for 3 weeks. to see my nieces. to cultivate friendships in nyc. to write more. to read more. to continue to work and grow professionally thru all the obstacles. to connect with other activists on a personal level.
there is no longer funding for my job. i am okay, i can live without working (getting paid anyway) until the end of january i think. i'll still "volunteer" to do this work. i can do it and it needs to be done and i love it. we will try to get money and may have things ($) in place by february, at least part time.
arif and started our breakup saturday night. it is mutual. we are at different spaces in our lives. it's easier to write that than to feel that. it is true. but seems so stupid and strange and sad when it comes to the realization that we will no longer be in a relationship. no more holding hands, calling eachother, cute emails and notes, him being my best friend here...all those things must go. it hurts. we are still together this week, he leaves on sunday and he is there for me while i cry my way thru this painful process. cant believe i'm doing this again, so similar to what angelo and i did not so long ago. right now it doesnt feel good or right. not like it did when i talked about it before or probably at some future point when i'll feel like it was the right thing to do. now it only hurts.

but i'm feeling like the walls around me are too close. the walls around us all are too close. we need to take a step back and see the beauty. figure out what we need to do and realize that really, we're doing okay. yeah we gotta work to do and yeah we're in pain, but we have eachother and y'all are SO beautiful.


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