Tuesday, November 29, 2005

ever think about this...
avoiding your self. as in, getting so caught up in your work and the logistics of life and the pain and survival of life that you realize at some point that you feel like you've lost touch with your self. your feelings and emotions about living and about who you are and want to be and the shit that you still have to process. with all the transition and travelling and stress and intensity that has been my pushing and storming ahead life lately, i seem to have forgotten Lovella. not completely and not always but in more ways than i want to and in more ways that are healthy for me. i need to really process and understand and utilize things that i have experienced. for example, the time i spent in Georgia during the School of Americas stuff with the vets (and the guys who are stationed at Ft. Benning). These guys (and gals) have been thru SO much shit. seen and done so much and here they are, pushing through, being beautiful, being strong, loving. i need to take that shit to heart. think of them when i am feeling weak and frustrated and discouraged and sad. see their strength as a piece of my own and know that not only can i take this world on, i can do it holding their hands and your hands and singing and dancin and loving each other. such a damn hippie i know. but thats me, and i do truly believe that stuff. so times up Lovella Rose, quit your cryin and whinin and kick ass!

sometimes i get so wrapped up in my life and my shit that it is hard to see outside it, but SO important. i am excited to go home for 3 weeks. to see my nieces. to cultivate friendships in nyc. to write more. to read more. to continue to work and grow professionally thru all the obstacles. to connect with other activists on a personal level.
there is no longer funding for my job. i am okay, i can live without working (getting paid anyway) until the end of january i think. i'll still "volunteer" to do this work. i can do it and it needs to be done and i love it. we will try to get money and may have things ($) in place by february, at least part time.
arif and started our breakup saturday night. it is mutual. we are at different spaces in our lives. it's easier to write that than to feel that. it is true. but seems so stupid and strange and sad when it comes to the realization that we will no longer be in a relationship. no more holding hands, calling eachother, cute emails and notes, him being my best friend here...all those things must go. it hurts. we are still together this week, he leaves on sunday and he is there for me while i cry my way thru this painful process. cant believe i'm doing this again, so similar to what angelo and i did not so long ago. right now it doesnt feel good or right. not like it did when i talked about it before or probably at some future point when i'll feel like it was the right thing to do. now it only hurts.

but i'm feeling like the walls around me are too close. the walls around us all are too close. we need to take a step back and see the beauty. figure out what we need to do and realize that really, we're doing okay. yeah we gotta work to do and yeah we're in pain, but we have eachother and y'all are SO beautiful.

Monday, November 14, 2005

part of some things i am wrote up for a couple of my friends:
What I’m struggling with most right now:
1. Making time for myself, spirituality
2. Feeling overwhelmed and unproductive/useful at work
3. Not feeling as close as I’d like to with my faraway (distance) friends, making good close friends here in NYC, those everyday friends (but working on it, have 3 good prospects)

What I love about life right now:
1. I’m hanging out with this radical, fun, funny, smart, inspiring group of Filipina women
2. Gonna see lots of friends and other great people at the School of Americas protests
4. Riding the subway is so stimulating in EVERY sense, it amuses me, and makes me feel so many emotions
5. I’m reading an anthology of essays by Filipina/American women about us and our experiences and learning so much, it's called Pinay Power, in ROCKS

What I want to actively work on right now:
Spiritual energy, I need to make my spiritual path, get my shit together

an excerpt to a friend living in Portland:
i'm so jealous that you are in such a beautiful place as far as nature goes. man i miss that. i get sidewalks, concrete, skyscrapers, 5 story advertisements, subways, and smog. but in the mix i get people saying funny random things, beautiful looking people, constant exploration, things to do all the time, poetry everywhere, newness everywhere, excessive stimulation (particularly on the subway), cute little babies, music and breakdancing in subway stations, etc.