Tuesday, June 13, 2006

this trip was healthy and happy. i was pleasantly surprised. lots to think about. lots of art to do. i want to become a "creactor" = an active creator - i learned that word from james shephard who lives in oregon on the highway along the coast that overlooks the ocean my grandparents boated across...
came home to be in a one of my best friend's wedding and went on a trip to OR & CA with arif. it was beautiful. art. nature. arif. my friend kathleen. my family. free time. no cell phone. no email. no work. the ocean. the redwoods. camping.

i dont know where to start.
driving along the coast was wonderful. the ocean was beautiful. chaotic with the waves and the sand and the crashing but at the same time peaceful and calming. i could not stop thinking of my grandparents crossing that gigantic ocean on boats. it haunted me. what did they think of? how did they survive? were they hopeful? were they scared? how long did it take? did they want to turn back? who were they with? who did they lose along the way? what did it look like when they got there (the shore)? how did they find eachother when they got there? maybe these questions and thoughts will lead to poetry, i hope so.

mother earth heals me. she quiets my mouth and more importantly my mind. she calms me. she shows and gives me strength. i need to be near her more. i need to be surrounded by her green and brown beauty.
i'm probably gonna move to the west coast next year sometime. probably the bay area or portland. also, there is art everywhere there. i need more art in my life.
i will become a creactor. i saw so much unique, inspiring, amazing art on this trip. glass, paint, sculpture, photography, drawing, collage, mixed media, clothing, etc. i'm really excited to spend more time creating and challenging myself to create and combine and push myself.

i came home to be in erin's wedding. it was fabulous. i was surrounded by loving people, two of my best friends. i was a part of something. we were comfortable, honest, helpful, loving, happy. i let myself be steph's doll for the weekend, she could dress me up and put makeup on me and do my hair and make me as "girly" as she wanted. it was peculiar and interesting. i saw what it was like being girly and being concerned so much about looking pretty and attractive for people. it was strange to see myself in the mirror and when i did, i didnt recognize myself and stared awkwardly at my reflection. to be honest, it actually wasnt so bad. not all of it anyway. the makeup is quite a hassle, but the hair-do i can live with sometimes, to change things up a bit. what i thought the most about was my usual disdain for "girlyness" and being dressed up and pretty. it didnt feel as terrible as i thought. it was uncomfortable at times, mostly the shoes and sitting properly and getting in and out of vehicles. but i realized that the real problem is that i dont want to be looked at and treated like a fucking object. and that is why i usually avoid looking girly/pretty. i sortof knew this all along and have been okay with it. i never felt like i was losing much by not looking girly/pretty. but in the past two years, i've grown more comfortable with my body than i ever imagined i'd be, (i never used to wear short sleeves or pants that weren't as baggy as my brothers'.) thanks to those of you who have helped make that happen. so i guess accepting, appreciating and sometimes even liking what i look at in the mirror is part of the process of learning to like and love myself.

back to the wedding...
it was a sunny day, blue sky and all. while i dont necessarily believe in marriage or know if i'll ever do it, i believe in love and i know that these people are in love. i did cry a little at the ceremony, staring at them, imagining the love they have for each other, listening to the preacher talk about love and relationships and commitment.

sunday night my mommy told me she hadnt been doing so well lately. that she was depressed and unmotivated, that she didnt get excited about doing things any more and didnt feel like talking to people and being friendly. it really threw me off guard. its like, you make assumptions that people are fine and you dont have to worry about them and you dont want to then that just crashes. it really disturbed me and i felt unable to respond for a few minutes. We did end up talking of course and i offered some advice. Then today while I was attempting to help her by doing her dishes, laundry and cleaning her room, I almost cried thinking that my mommy was depressed. I wish I could do more, I wish I could be here with her, I wish I had the answers, I wish she felt motivated, purposeful, excited. I’m thankful though, that is only now that she’s ever known these sad feelings. And I’m thankful that I have been there so I can help guide her back to safety. Hopefully she can follow directions, I still haven’t learned how to do that.

There is always more to say, but this is already long and you’ve probably stopped reading by now. I’m tired of making empty promises and lists of things I’m gonna do differently and then never following thru. But I do feel renewed and re-inspired and have the logistical things in place to help me be closer to keeping on my path of healing and growing and being the person I want to be.

I love you.