lovella: 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004

while writing an email to my beautiful friend lucy, i realized that i wanted to share some of it with you.
i've decided that only i know best what i need, how to give it to my self and i'm the only one whos always around to do that. i've started the process of becoming my own best friend. and trying to have more confidence and self-love and appreciation. a VERY difficult thing for me to do. but ABSOLUTELY necessary and crucial in the development and sustainability and survival of ME and all people. i guess in many ways, you are right, i'm really not afraid of much except hurting people. i do love this world in spite of all its dirt and cares and worries. but in some sense, i wonder if we have to love it not in spite of that, but in reaction to that and in acceptance of that, or something. Love the world more because of its faults and problems. in that, we work toward a better world. if we love the world even though its dirty and worrisome, then that maybe means that we are hopeful that we can clean up the disgusting mess. we must always be hopeful, otherwise, what the hell are we fighting for, living for. Lately I have been listening and offering tons of advice that is met with appreciation and realization of my rightness. I'm glad, not for myself, but for them that they have acknowledged the real problems and solutions and are starting to walk thier paths toward them and deeper into a true understanding of themselves.
love is one of those things that though it gives to us infinitely, we must give back infinitely. when we love, it costs us a great deal. it costs time, energy, our love. but it gives back in so many ways of course too. when we love the world and its people, there is work to be done and expectations to be met, though it may not be asked for, if we truly love, then we must give back. And that is why it is painful. I have come to some realizations by way of writing a poem, accepting the distance, taking it one day at a time, appreciation of our love above all, and the chapter on love in "the prophet" by Kahlil Gibran. we must realize that to feel true ecstacy, we must also feel true torment. that love, that life, is deep in all its happenings and feelings and that that is the essence of existence. not to straddle that safe middle line where we feeling nothing deeply. where we are never too sad and of course never truly joyous. and of course we must always be hopeful. Faithful in the power of love, in the power of our selves.

hey everyone!
ahhhhh! i'm feeling a little crazy. i know that you all read my last very long blog... now i'm job searching. and its going well. but... there is this ymca job i was offered. i would be working at a summer camp with 11-14 yr olds, and working especially on a service learning project with them. that would be great, and maybe she would hire me for the fall after that, if i dont go to nyc. she is really great and i would like to work with her. the pay is okay, but takes an hour to get to. she wanted my decision by wednesday, tomorrow. that was monday morning. so i was happy. then i got an email. i am one of four (of seventeen, of more) that is being given a chance to interview. the position is a "peace education fellowship" which would be fucking amazing. and, it pays okay, get benefits, 11 month contract, travelling, organizing, teaching youth, activist stuff, good people, learning, using skills i have, etc. it would be great. but i cant interview until tuesday (for four hours!, with 2 ppl or one at times). and then they dont make the decsion till that friday, next friday. so the ymca woman needs my answer. she said shed wait until THIS friday, but i dont even interview till tuesday. shit, what should i do? i REALLY want to get the fellowship. but i need a job, should i say yes to the ymca. i also had a really strong interview this morning, for a learning center/day care, working with 3-5 year olds. fun! but, i dont know if i'm being offered that yet. so if i say no to ymca, get rejected at peace ed, then i still might have this to fall back on. then id just leave them and come to nyc in sept. oh, ed, you HAVE to call me! everyone, call me. my cell is out of service so call it to get my home number. call now! i love you.

Hello all!

Its been quite awhile since I last wrote, I know. I have tons to share with you. I went back to MI for about a week. I know I didn't tell you all, but I knew that I would not have time to see anyone, I had to be with my family. You know they are spread out all over, so I had to make my rounds. It was so wonderful to be able to see everyone finally. It was my niece's first birthday party and I had some other stuff I had to work out with them, no worries, everything's fine. Anyway, the trip was too short but still good. I even cut off my hair while I was there. I had planned on that anyway, but Eli (my little bro) and my dad were not too happy about it. They said women should have long hair, but men can have any kind of hair… Alana (my niece) has starting walking. I cant believe she's brightened our lives for a whole year now. She looks like a little zombie when she walks cuz she sticks her arms out in front of her. I love it when she falls asleep in my arms and I get her to laugh and can just see her teeth stickin out of her gums. I was also blessed to see Timothy, Justin and Christa, my other siblings that I don't get to see very often. It felt wonderful to reconnect with them, to just be with them like we used to be when we were younger. They are dealing with some difficult things, but I believe in them and know that they will be fine. I just cant believe how grown up they are.
Then I went to New York City for a conference at the United Nations called the "Permanent Forum on Indigenous Issues." It was incredible. I cannot describe to you the feeling of being surrounded by these amazing people. Myself, some other young people, and people who work with young people created a group, the "International Indigenous Youth Caucus." We worked really hard to write "Interventions" for each of the seven mandated focus areas of the Forum. Basically that means we wrote recommendations on what we thought that the UN and its agencies should do about problems facing Indigenous Youth in areas such as education, culture, environment, health, etc. We put forth all of our ideas and concerns specific to each individual/group's situation and combined them and made sure they were acceptable to each of us. We also got to read 6 out of the 7, which is great becuz most groups don't get that opportunity. In fact, most don't even write on all 7 topics. It was a lot of hard work, but fun and we all learned too. Some of us also participated in a panel discussion of a film made about an Aboriginal youth from Australia growing up in mainstream, white society and then going home and his reactions and experiences. We all responded to the film and shared our own experiences. One new friend of mine, brought tears to almost everyone's eyes, including her own.
I met people from all over the world like Kenya, India, South Africa, Norway, Taiwan, Hawai'i, Vietnam, Burma, the Philippines, Tanzania, Ecuador, Peru, Bangladesh and Native Americans from the US… There is so much violence and oppression going on in these places and affecting these people and their families and friends, it was so sad to realize and hear about. But so wonderful that some people were able to come and get their voices heard and create solutions for the problems. I just hope that the UN will do its job and help stop or at least alleviate some of these problems. So many people were wearing their traditional clothing which was so beautiful and took so much time to make and some of them had lots of bells and were really noisy!
So I'm back in Philly now, looking for a job here. I have a job lined up in NYC starting in September. I would be tutoring kids and doing an after-school program about research and activities relating to the environment. I would like to go sooner and start working on this UN Youth stuff if I can find a way to plug myself in, while still making money to eat, then I will. Anybody see any job openings there, let me know! But otherwise, I'll just stay here in Philly until around Sept. I have two interviews here next week. Myself and some other people here are gonna start working on a program for youth where we bring together political and historical awareness and art. That will be fantastic, I'm so excited.
In the whirlwind that has been my life for the past two months from returning from the Philippines, moving to Philly, going back to MI, the conference in NYC and sitting back here again, its been really crazy! Beautiful, so much, filled with amazing people, old and new to my life. But difficult, filled with questions and worries and loneliness too. So here I am, waiting to settle into something for a little while, but not knowing what or when that will be. Please send me your love!
Always,
Lovella

hey everyone!!!!!!!!!!
i'll be back in the NYC on sunday morning by 830am, a little too early for your non-sleeping new yawka asses! anyway, i will be doin stuff for most or all of the day. might be able to hang out on sunday evening/night. but for sure i'll be wanting to head to bar 13 on monday night for the slam! so, try to get in touch with me sometime to make plans to go. I'll be at the U.N. building on Monday, dont know how to get to bar 13 from there... give me a call, or i'll call you. see you soon! yeah! oh yeah, surprise...

lovella

Saturday, May 29, 2004

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Saturday, May 22, 2004

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