Saturday, May 29, 2004

while writing an email to my beautiful friend lucy, i realized that i wanted to share some of it with you.
i've decided that only i know best what i need, how to give it to my self and i'm the only one whos always around to do that. i've started the process of becoming my own best friend. and trying to have more confidence and self-love and appreciation. a VERY difficult thing for me to do. but ABSOLUTELY necessary and crucial in the development and sustainability and survival of ME and all people. i guess in many ways, you are right, i'm really not afraid of much except hurting people. i do love this world in spite of all its dirt and cares and worries. but in some sense, i wonder if we have to love it not in spite of that, but in reaction to that and in acceptance of that, or something. Love the world more because of its faults and problems. in that, we work toward a better world. if we love the world even though its dirty and worrisome, then that maybe means that we are hopeful that we can clean up the disgusting mess. we must always be hopeful, otherwise, what the hell are we fighting for, living for. Lately I have been listening and offering tons of advice that is met with appreciation and realization of my rightness. I'm glad, not for myself, but for them that they have acknowledged the real problems and solutions and are starting to walk thier paths toward them and deeper into a true understanding of themselves.
love is one of those things that though it gives to us infinitely, we must give back infinitely. when we love, it costs us a great deal. it costs time, energy, our love. but it gives back in so many ways of course too. when we love the world and its people, there is work to be done and expectations to be met, though it may not be asked for, if we truly love, then we must give back. And that is why it is painful. I have come to some realizations by way of writing a poem, accepting the distance, taking it one day at a time, appreciation of our love above all, and the chapter on love in "the prophet" by Kahlil Gibran. we must realize that to feel true ecstacy, we must also feel true torment. that love, that life, is deep in all its happenings and feelings and that that is the essence of existence. not to straddle that safe middle line where we feeling nothing deeply. where we are never too sad and of course never truly joyous. and of course we must always be hopeful. Faithful in the power of love, in the power of our selves.


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