lovella

I never blog!!!
but, i did finish my book of poetry!!! if ya wanna have it ($5), email me! Here's a little taste...
go to my myspace page. (but i never update that either)

If I could build myself

Then
if i could build that self over
i’d mold a mouth that said No, loud and clear
eyes that could see thru lies
ears that heard all the warnings
that were never told to me
hands that had not betrayed me
i’d construct legs that ran from danger
a body that protected itself
and a mind that knew who it could trust

Now
If I could build myself over again
I’d design a tongue that does not pierce
but speaks gently
eyes that see confidence past
the gray clouds of fear and doubt
ears that obey my heart’s hungry honesty and hopes
hands that are creative, quick and careful
legs that dance well enough to follow my fantasies
I’d assemble a body that’s strong enough
to get up when I fall

a mind that could remember
or forget
a mind that could decide

and a heart that could heal itself

this trip was healthy and happy. i was pleasantly surprised. lots to think about. lots of art to do. i want to become a "creactor" = an active creator - i learned that word from james shephard who lives in oregon on the highway along the coast that overlooks the ocean my grandparents boated across...
came home to be in a one of my best friend's wedding and went on a trip to OR & CA with arif. it was beautiful. art. nature. arif. my friend kathleen. my family. free time. no cell phone. no email. no work. the ocean. the redwoods. camping.

i dont know where to start.
driving along the coast was wonderful. the ocean was beautiful. chaotic with the waves and the sand and the crashing but at the same time peaceful and calming. i could not stop thinking of my grandparents crossing that gigantic ocean on boats. it haunted me. what did they think of? how did they survive? were they hopeful? were they scared? how long did it take? did they want to turn back? who were they with? who did they lose along the way? what did it look like when they got there (the shore)? how did they find eachother when they got there? maybe these questions and thoughts will lead to poetry, i hope so.

mother earth heals me. she quiets my mouth and more importantly my mind. she calms me. she shows and gives me strength. i need to be near her more. i need to be surrounded by her green and brown beauty.
therefore...
i'm probably gonna move to the west coast next year sometime. probably the bay area or portland. also, there is art everywhere there. i need more art in my life.
art...
i will become a creactor. i saw so much unique, inspiring, amazing art on this trip. glass, paint, sculpture, photography, drawing, collage, mixed media, clothing, etc. i'm really excited to spend more time creating and challenging myself to create and combine and push myself.

i came home to be in erin's wedding. it was fabulous. i was surrounded by loving people, two of my best friends. i was a part of something. we were comfortable, honest, helpful, loving, happy. i let myself be steph's doll for the weekend, she could dress me up and put makeup on me and do my hair and make me as "girly" as she wanted. it was peculiar and interesting. i saw what it was like being girly and being concerned so much about looking pretty and attractive for people. it was strange to see myself in the mirror and when i did, i didnt recognize myself and stared awkwardly at my reflection. to be honest, it actually wasnt so bad. not all of it anyway. the makeup is quite a hassle, but the hair-do i can live with sometimes, to change things up a bit. what i thought the most about was my usual disdain for "girlyness" and being dressed up and pretty. it didnt feel as terrible as i thought. it was uncomfortable at times, mostly the shoes and sitting properly and getting in and out of vehicles. but i realized that the real problem is that i dont want to be looked at and treated like a fucking object. and that is why i usually avoid looking girly/pretty. i sortof knew this all along and have been okay with it. i never felt like i was losing much by not looking girly/pretty. but in the past two years, i've grown more comfortable with my body than i ever imagined i'd be, (i never used to wear short sleeves or pants that weren't as baggy as my brothers'.) thanks to those of you who have helped make that happen. so i guess accepting, appreciating and sometimes even liking what i look at in the mirror is part of the process of learning to like and love myself.

back to the wedding...
it was a sunny day, blue sky and all. while i dont necessarily believe in marriage or know if i'll ever do it, i believe in love and i know that these people are in love. i did cry a little at the ceremony, staring at them, imagining the love they have for each other, listening to the preacher talk about love and relationships and commitment.

sunday night my mommy told me she hadnt been doing so well lately. that she was depressed and unmotivated, that she didnt get excited about doing things any more and didnt feel like talking to people and being friendly. it really threw me off guard. its like, you make assumptions that people are fine and you dont have to worry about them and you dont want to then that just crashes. it really disturbed me and i felt unable to respond for a few minutes. We did end up talking of course and i offered some advice. Then today while I was attempting to help her by doing her dishes, laundry and cleaning her room, I almost cried thinking that my mommy was depressed. I wish I could do more, I wish I could be here with her, I wish I had the answers, I wish she felt motivated, purposeful, excited. I’m thankful though, that is only now that she’s ever known these sad feelings. And I’m thankful that I have been there so I can help guide her back to safety. Hopefully she can follow directions, I still haven’t learned how to do that.

There is always more to say, but this is already long and you’ve probably stopped reading by now. I’m tired of making empty promises and lists of things I’m gonna do differently and then never following thru. But I do feel renewed and re-inspired and have the logistical things in place to help me be closer to keeping on my path of healing and growing and being the person I want to be.

I love you.

It has been awhile since I updated a blog/journal…of course I have excuses and travel is one of my usual ones, it’s true in this case. Ahh, I’m a liar, I said I would update every week and I just saw that my last post was on January 3rd, much more than a week ago. So I’ll start with my commitment to myself. Tuesdays with me, yes like Tuesdays with Morrie, cuz I’m a Tuesday person. Or as my little brother calls it “Poohsday” and he calls me with a smile and hope that I’ll have time to chat with him, maybe we’ll add or maybe we’ll talk about how he wonders what his biological father is like. Anyway…

The past few weeks have been a rollar coaster, tons of work and hours of beauty. Much growth, frustration, confusion and contemplation. Two big work weekends, the National Youth and Student Peace Coalition planning meetings where I had wonderful friends come and stay at my Bed-Stuy apartment, sleepovers are fun! One of the Iraq Veterans Against the War (IVAW) members stayed with me for the week, we didn’t do much but it was an interesting experience. Then we went to Philly for the 3 day organizer training. Over 30 IVAW members got together, some met for the first time, some old friends, it was so much fun, really exhausting and incredibly inspiring. (This is why I’ll vow to write more often because there is all this other stuff I want to get out so I don’t want to go into more detail now about this.) It is incredibly emotional to spend so much time with veterans, to learn more about them, to discover their pain and beauty, to listen to them, to support them, to train them, to love them. More about this later…

So a couple things went down and there were some people that were concerned with my work and making uninformed and stupid assumptions and talking shit. Furthermore, none of the people were mature enough (though they had the age down) to come to me about it. I was frustrated but I didn’t get really sad about it, I just recognized that they were the ones in the wrong and I was right. Arif said that he saw how much I had grown because I would have handled it differently before, I would have gotten down on myself for it. I couldn’t agree more and I must admit, I am proud of myself. But then, I did get to a point where I was wondering…
(journal excerpt)
Toughen up Lovella Rose Calica. Who are you? Who do you want to be? What will you do? How are you gonna defeat the bullshit that will try to get in the way? Draw on your past experiences. What did you have those for? To give you strength in these low moments.
-------------
And then I listed some of the things that I gather strength from, things I love about my friends (the vets), Mother Earth and my belief in myself and love.
I realized, I love these people, and I’m the one that they text at 4am or call at 5am crying or whatever and I will not walk away from them, and I will do everything in my power to love and support them.

Now onto the logistics of my life…
I’m moving back to Philly for the next couple months to work in the IVAW office!!! I’m sorry NYers, I always leave you. I’m struggling with this. More transition, more instability, more packing, leaving friends, poetry, Filipinas, NYC, all those things, but like I said, I just cannot walk away from IVAW right now and I am needed in that closet of an office! Plus, my friends (other staff of IVAW) are my community, they understand the pain and joy of this work and I need to be with them to do this work and to survive, cuz this shit is not easy. I will write more about the pain of the vets and my attempts to learn more and understand and love better. I’ll be leaving my apartment by the first week of February I think. I need to get out of the place anyway, there is no hot water and they haven’t paid the electric bill and it’s just bullshit. Then, I’ll find my way back here in April or May. I think. One more thing for now… I want to do writing workshops with the vets and compile an anthology. Of course, I need some funds for that undertaking, so if you want to help or have any ideas on where to get some cash for it, lemme know.

I’ll be back by Tuesday. Till then, thank the sun for shining, your neighbor for smiling and yourself for loving the world. I love you!

Dear friend,

This is a strange thing for me to be doing, but I figure, I have to try. We must try, we must fight for what we believe in, otherwise, what are we doing?

I have been organizing/working for social justice since I went to college in 1999, wow, that was seven years ago. I joined pretty much every social justice organization there was on campus from the environment to labor to children’s rights. And I really haven’t stopped since then.

A little over a year ago, I became involved with an amazing organization: Iraq Veterans Against the War (IVAW). The story is pretty funny really. They were using a desk right next to mine at the American Friends Service Committee, where I was working as the Peace Education Fellow. They joked about getting me fired so they could hire me. After the term of my position ended they finally did hire me for a short term. IVAW is composed of people that have been in the military since September 11, 2001. Some went to Iraq, some are there now, some are conscientious objectors, some are Afghanistan vets, and some fed the war machine from other places. Over the weekend of January 13-15th in 2006, about 35 of the over 200 members gathered together to train to be organizers. These people are the most inspiring and amazing people in this country. They are survivors of war, with post traumatic stress disorder that comes in the forms of: nightmares, incredible guilt, anger, inability to focus, bipolar disorder, anxiety, severe depression, jumping at loud noises, just to name a few. They are also some of the funniest, strongest, most committed, passionate, artistic, beautiful and powerful people I know. We have formed bonds and friendships that I never imagined and that are so wonderful I feel like I’m on fire when I am with them and think about them. I am in love with them, I want to do nothing else but work to support them.

This brings me to you, to ask you to support them, to support me, to support peace in the world and peace in these soldiers’ hearts. Despite all of the “support the troops” ribbons & bumper stickers out there, they are facing budget difficulties. While they would like to continue employing me, they currently don’t have the ability to pay me. We are coming up on the third year of the war, March 19th (2 days before my 25th birthday coincidentally) and these veterans have BIG plans. Iraq Veterans Against the War, Veterans for Peace and Military Families Speak Out will join with the survivors of the Gulf Coast hurricanes in a march from Mobile, Alabama to New Orleans, Louisiana to show the connections between the war on the poor at home and the wars abroad. This kind of march is unprecedented, it will be led and organized by the people in this country who are most affected by the racist, classist government which terrorizes it’s own people and the rest of the world. The march will end in New Orleans where the whole world is invited and to see & to hear what survivors’ lives and hearts are like. There will be a show/concert/exhibit by veteran artists through poetry, music, visual art, cinematography, photography, etc.

I want to dedicate my life to helping make all this happen, and I am asking you for your support. Please consider donating $20-100 so that I can pay my rent, cell phone and groceries and commit all of my time to supporting these vets, my friends, and stopping this disgusting war.

I appreciate your time and love always,
Lovella Calica
Email: lovellalovella@yahoo.com
Web: www.lovella.blogspot.com
IVAW website: www.ivaw.net

lovella

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Thursday, January 19, 2006

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