lovella

hmmm...
i never blog at 122am. in fact i rarely blog. obviously. but that doesnt mean i dont write. i write on the subway all the time, and in my bed and when i'm out and other places. but i dont write enough. ugh, i wish i could stop saying i dont do things enough. could stop telling myself all the supposed bad things i do and dont do. well, i guess i'll just rewrite some things from my journal, dont know exactly what to write now...

At my work, a co-worker organized a speaking tour for two young (23 and 18 year old) Israeli Consciencous (sp) Objectors. I jotted down some random quotes and thoughts. Here's one from Eyal, the 18 year old about why he decided to refuse mandatory military service.

"I've never seen them. I've never talked to them. I just need to kill them."

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2-22
Ah, I'm so overwhelmed at work and want to run away. I want time for me, my life, friends, family, heart.
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2-23
It doesn't matter who you were yesterday. It matters who you are NOW!
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"There's nothing that's too small and nothin that's insignificant." - Mario Hardy Ramirez (a beautiful man i respect and look up to)
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"We cannot be easy with people who are not easy." Hernan (i dont know him at all really but i feel that he made, shit, there's not a word to describe this. He had heart that you could hear and feel when he spoke.)
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"We can be whatever we can imagine ourselves to be." - Rodney Capistrano Camarce (A friend of mine who is really amazing and committed to changing the world through love.
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"'It's not just me.' That's what we always find when we talk about it." - Beandrea Davis (A writer and photographer and yoga teacher who i've recently discovered and really enjoy.)
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haha, you thought this was gonna be my thoughts. i did too actually. but these things are notes in my journal, in my life, heart and i am who i am not exclusive of the people that i am around and learn from. Plus i agree with this stuff.
Today i was thinking of the ways in which nature reflects my self. our selves. Like when the tree branches are tangled. We are tangled people. and we are tangled with other people. And when plants and trees grow through fences, cement, places that are difficult to grow in. We are like that, we can get through things, the "obstacles," the difficulties we are faced with, the things we carry deep (or not so deep) inside us. Its amazing what we live through emotionally and spiritually. We are so stripped and stolen from in this society of so much of the nourishment that we need to be beautiful, loving, growing people. Its hard to take all this pushing and pulling and still stand up, even walk. We are so detached, no, distant from, ah, this is how i know we are spiritual people because there are things that cannot be explained in words. we are too far from our mother earth, our life giver. the keyboard i touch, the 3rd floor of this house, the plastic water bottle, the cement, the genetically modified, preserved, chemicalized, colored candy i eat, the flourescent lights, matress i sleep on, clothes made in china by small children... this is all too far from sleeping on the earth and waking up to the smell of trees and the sunshine in the morning. i need to write more. here is where i am alive. here is where i am free. i am me.
i need space to breathe, to be me, to let go, to explore, to dream, to grow, to be, to be.
trapped in this box of sanity
or insanity
either way they are both just words
nothing can convey this feeling, these feelings, these spirits inside me itching
to escape
to dance
to sing
to laugh and even cry
i miss my sisters
i want to reach my arms around the earth and touch each one of you
i want us to become strong
to take back our lives, our hearts, our tears
it has been too long
too long that we've cried alone
its time to wipe our faces, our fists
stand up
speak
and never stop

so that came from out of nowhere, that was not previously scribed in my green journal pages. thats the thing, i need to have space to write, to explore, think and grow. its been a while since i've done that. i think that after my position at AFSC is up at the beginning of May, i need to take some time off. The Permanent Forum on Indigenous Issues at the UN is in NYC for 2 weeks again this May. It is perfect timing. The people, spiritual energy, inspiration, motivation and love i feel there is exactly what i need. then maybe i'll go home again for a bit. Spend some summer sunshine with my nieces. and family. and trees. and me. ah, that will/would be nice. but the bills, they worry me. i hate that. thats what i mean about this society, this world. i cant have space for my self, i have to worry about that fucking green. i want so much to move beyond that. i just want to love. is that so much to ask for? what is wrong with our world when it is so difficult to just love. and i'm not talking so much, or just about this situation and/or me. but this world. we can barely smile at people without feeling strange. we dont dare mention the word love in a social setting. we need reasons like birthdays and beer to spend time with loved ones. and then we sit in front of computers and blah blah blah. whatever. i just need to write. to think, to formulate my thoughts and emotions and this is how and where it ended up. here it is, here i am. but i dont just want to be here. on this computer. black words on a white screen, or even blue words on a white screen. i want to be this person at every moment, in every glance, every smile, every word, every movement. I feel like i've become so much less. just hiding. just working. just shuffling around with the rest of the herd. another body. i dont want to be the center of attention. i just want to be the real me. i want to be honest
i want to love
to give
to care
to be the person that i dream of and havent yet dreamed of outside of the limitations, expectations, pressure and ugliness that are in this world.

maybe this is one way to do it. write. and move beyond writing and making lists and start doing and being.

posted by Lovella Rose @ 1:20 AM