lovella

Right now I am in Michigan, I came home for Thanksgiving. We planned on having my dad’s 50th birthday celebration but Alana, (Corey and Clarissa’s older baby) was sick so they had to cancel and stay home. They all ended up getting sick. So sad. But my mom, dad, Jerrod, Eli and Shane hung out all day Saturday. Jerrod, Eli, my mom and I went out to the bar on Friday night. It is called the Pines, just imagine a hick bar in the middle of nowhere and you are there. The place was packed, all the kids were home for Thanksgiving and had nothing better to do than go out to see all the other chumps who came home too. I haven’t been to the place in years. I hate bars anyway. But we were all going out together. Eli who is usually a pretty quiet kid, gets real rowdy and loud when he’s drunk, that was so funny. He actually left without telling us and forgot most of his night. I had quite a few drinks and was feeling pretty good all night seeing people I hadn’t seen in 5 years or so. It’s a really interesting feeling remembering high school…who I was, who they were, who and where we all are now, if I want to get in touch with any of them, how different our lives are, etc. Only two of them actually left MI. It was crazy.

Interesting conversations/quotes from home:
Jerrod says I pay attention to words to much as I protest the use of “wifebeater” as a description of a white tank top.
“You’re a weirdo. Straight up weird.” Eli to me
“The thing is, its you guys. You just don’t realize it.” Me to my family, especially my brothers
“You think you can beer bong a half pint of vodka?” Jerrod
“I’m simple. Be simpler.” Eli to me
“You think too much.” Jerrod to me
“Life’s a lot easier if you don’t think as much.” Eli
“You guys are broken. Men’s brains are broken.” Me to Jerrod and Eli

places...

In Philly I'm lonely and often sad, but glad that i'm living there, for the most part. The truth is, I am the saddest I’ve been in a long time and that freaks me out. But I know I can’t come back here to MI. And there are so many things I really like about being in Philly. My job, that it’s a big city, new friends, my living situation, that its close to nyc, etc.

In MI i'm glad to be home to see the family...but they stress me out, cuz the things they say and do really get to me. "Home." I feel like its such an oppressive space for me to be in, they take part in some of the things I work hard fighting against. I also feel guilty for having moved (aka "left them") and not being able to spend a decent amount of time with any of them. And then when i do come home and we spend time together we rarely have any real conversations. Is it too much to ask for? I am a little concerned that I’m going to be coming home for 2 weeks at the end of December. Will I survive?

But in NYC, I LOVE life. I am giggling, thinking, surprised, laughing constantly, amused, smacking Oscar in the head, getting smacked in the head by Oscar, excited, happy. I can speak honestly about anything with these people, and I do. They are not afraid to talk about things, feelings, emotions, pain, life’s questions and difficult process in finding answers that always seem to be changing and/or non-existent. My friends there hug me and care about me and listen to me and love me as I wish my family would. They are what makes me happy with my life even though I’m so often sad. They are why I have made it living in Philly. NYCers, I LOVE YOU!
What does this mean? It means I feel like it only makes sense for me to live there and soak in the love that I feel from them. Who knows what will happen, I feel like I have to take the opportunity of having them in my life while I have it. I’m also afraid that I’ll never leave there if I go, they all say that that’s not a problem. But NYC is crazy, and I’m crazy enough as it is. Can I handle that much more stimulation and chaos? But can I pass it up, not take advantage of it?

posted by Lovella Rose @ 6:31 PM